An Open Door?

A lot has happened. We were sent a file of a waiting little girl in China by an agency I contacted about a Thailand program. She is a waiting child in China. She is four years old. She has a repaired cleft lip/palate. I have seen God work in the last three days. He has opened door that were once closed. We were once told China was not a good choice because of Chuck's DUI. This agency feels because it has been over twenty years ago,it shouldn't be a deal breaker. They said we could get pre-approval before submitting all the paperwork. I am cautiously excited, a little overwhelmed at the thought of the paper work ahead of us. I have a strange calm about me(which is NOT like me)that I need to give this to God and he will make happen what is to happen.
God has placed her on our path, I don't know the future,I don't know if she is the "one" but we feel that we need to step out in faith. It would certainly explain the HEARTBREAK of the last few months. She is older than we had planned but maybe God knows that a toddler/baby doesn't really fit in to a family with 18 and 13 year old boys. Honestly,after the initial adjustment an older child would probably fit in better with our family. I had written out a whole other blog with her picture but then I felt like that was unethical to post her picture without knowing if she is "ours" or getting permission from the agency. Please pray for God's guiding hand with this situation. :)

Where in the world are you?

It's 4a.m. I can't sleep because my mind races with confusion. Yesterday a sense of panic came over me, that we had done the wrong thing withdrawing from Vietnam. What if it only closes for a few months? Does God Let you go down a wrong road for a year and then say no? If He does why? I was kidding myself thinking my heart could rest. I tried to replace the yearning with worldly things like our vacation ,talk of remodeling the kitchen. It always come back to this yearning in my heart. If it's not suppose to happen then why doesn't God make it go away. I have NEVER had a hard time with any of my birthdays. I have always been excited and had a child like attitude. This year I can't stop crying because I am another year older and I am NO closer to fulfilling this dream. I always said as long as we were on the road to getting her by the time I was 40, I wouldn't be too old. Last year I was on the road,everything was moving along. Tomorrow I will be 41 and I don't even know where to begin to look for her. God knows I don't want to pick the wrong road AGAIN. I know most people don't understand why I can't let this go. I FEEL her in my heart, like she is my daughter. I believe GOD put it there. I believe with all my heart, even now, this IS suppose to happen. May be that is why God won't let me rest. This is what it feels like- Your child is missing and you have to find her, but you can't. No matter how hard you try and pray, she is out there lost. You can't rest because you don't want her to have to spend one more day than she has to lost and afraid. You can't rest until she is home with her family, where she belongs. WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU????? Please pray for me, for guidance, for God to show me the way to fill this calling, however that may be. I need my heart to be at peace.

Good-bye Vietnam

Yesterday a decision was made for us as far as Vietnam. An official statement was made stating that on Sept 1,2008 only families already matched with a child would be allowed to continue their adoptions. Any unmatched dossiers would be sent back to the states and Vietnam will be closed for adoptions. This is devastating news to all those families that thought they were "safe" because their paperwork was in. It also completely put us out of any chance of being able to complete this adoption. So now what? We are going to sit and just be, be the Grimm family with 2 teenage boys and 2 dogs. We had considered moving forward on a waiting child in Kazakhstan but the 2 agencies couldn't work out an agreement to work together and since our home study is with CHI, we would have had to start all over with a new one. Which we don't have the strength or the finances to do. I had some reservations about that agency anyway. Things just didn't add up, which gave me an uneasy feeling about them. I also talked with another agency called Adoption ark. They were wonderful and compassionate. They are in it for all the right reasons. They are going to be starting an adoption program in Mongolia soon. They are going to contact us when it begins. I will see then, where my heart is, how much it costs, how long it takes and make a decision. Right now I plan to rest! I am so tired of crying, anxiety, waiting, wondering and yearning. I am emotionally exhausted,almost to the point of being numb. I read through my journal I write to Abby in, I started back in 2004. We have been through so much and still are really no closer to adopting than we were then. I don't understand why all of this has happened, when I felt sure God put this on my heart. I am not so sure anymore, I am not sure about anything but that life is uncertain and your world can change (for good or bad) in an instant. For now I am just going to be still, rest and deal with what life sends me one moment at a time.

Decisions

Well, I talked to our adoption SW last week asked about are options. We are #121 so it doesn't look good for making the September 1st deadline. We can withdraw from the program and get 1/2 our money back, if we wait and it closes and then quit we get nothing back. We can sit on the waiting list while it is closed and probably be pretty far along when it reopens considering most people switch programs when something like this happens. There is also the option of checking on the waiting children /special need children in other adoption agencies. That too involves risk . I have heard of people accepting a waiting child ,going to pick them up and the child not being available but another child with more severe disablilities is offered. we have already invested about $6000 dollars into this adoption. Chuck and I really haven't had a heart to heart about this yet. I think he feels if he ignores it,it will take care of it self but we definitely have some heart felt decisions to make. Part of me feels like I am tired and worn out from the hoping,anxiety,uncertainty roller coaster we have been on for the past 5 years- many times feeling like someone has ripped my heart out.
Then on the other side, I FEEL her in my heart, this is suppose to happen. We have had so many little "signs" happen to us along the way that gave us hope. Then I go back to, if it's suppose to happen ,why do we keep running into brick walls???
I have really in these past weeks tried to focus on the blessings already in my life.
I have MANY dear 6 year old children at my job, that greet me with smiles and hugs. They are so full of love and aren't afraid to give it out. I have two good teenage boys(is that an oxymoron-LOL) Although this isn't my favorite stage of motherhood, I have had the blessing of being a mommy. Many of the blogs I read the couples have infertility problems and have NEVER gotten to be a mommy/daddy. My infertility is self imposed for which I will forever regret. Sometimes i think this my punishment for not appreciating what I was given. Anyway,focus on what you have is my game plan these next weeks. Chuck and I will be making our decision this week, please pray for God to guide us to do his will and to give us strength for whatever road we follow

The Perfect Song for Me

I have added the perfect song , it tells just how I feel. Even though we are going through this very hard time. I have to remember he is my Heavenly Father, who has given me many blessing throughout my life. Including a wonderful Earth father, who I miss dearly. I've got to continue to "Praise him in this Storm"
P.S. CHI got 2 referrals today now, we are #123 :)


Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

The End Of The Road??????

Well, I haven't written in a long time because I kept hoping I would have something good or encouraging to write. Things regarding Vietnam adoptions have been getting progressively worse. The U.S. and Vietnam were suppose to meet sometime in March to come up with a new agreement, which expires 8/30/08.For some reason an agreement must be made 6 months prior to signing. Well, March 31st has come and gone and neither side has made any attempts to come up with a new agreement or even set up talks. So on August 30th Vietnam will officially be closed for adoptions. Any family without it's paperwork logged in at Vietnam will not receive a referral for a child until it re-opens under a new agreement. The last time this happened it was 2 years before it re-opened. So basically we need a miracle for this adoption to happen. 26 families have to receive a referral before we will even get the go ahead to start our paperwork. Even if we made that, it takes months to get your paper work completed, authenticated,sent to the U.S. embassy, translated and sent on to the officials in Vietnam. So things are not looking good for us. Chuck and I both agreed this was our last attempt. If something bad happened, we would have to just take it as a "no" from God. We haven't officially "quit" the adoption because it doesn't cost us anything to sit for awhile and see what happens. I guess I am still holding out that God will step in and save the day. My heart has been breaking these past weeks as I try to come to terms with these facts. There is probably never going to be an Abby, I will probably never give her all the special things I have waiting for her, I will never have my moment, when our eyes meet and I finally get to hold her. I still have a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart but everyday the news from the adoption world gets worse so it's all In God's hands now.... :(

Super Grandpa

Well,as you can see Grandpa Grimm has been very busy working on the dollhouse. It has been quite a project as each shingle has to be glued on. It's going to be amazing when it's finished. Today is eight months waiting for Abby's referral. Today I am feeling down, eight months and we still have 127 people in front of us. Also there is a terrible virus going through the orphanages in Vietnam. Nine babies in just one orphanage have died from lack of medical treatment. One of those babies was a referral of a families whos blog I follow. It's very sad. Please pray that no more children will die from this terrible virus and pray for spring.