It's 4a.m. I can't sleep because my mind races with confusion. Yesterday a sense of panic came over me, that we had done the wrong thing withdrawing from Vietnam. What if it only closes for a few months? Does God Let you go down a wrong road for a year and then say no? If He does why? I was kidding myself thinking my heart could rest. I tried to replace the yearning with worldly things like our vacation ,talk of remodeling the kitchen. It always come back to this yearning in my heart. If it's not suppose to happen then why doesn't God make it go away. I have NEVER had a hard time with any of my birthdays. I have always been excited and had a child like attitude. This year I can't stop crying because I am another year older and I am NO closer to fulfilling this dream. I always said as long as we were on the road to getting her by the time I was 40, I wouldn't be too old. Last year I was on the road,everything was moving along. Tomorrow I will be 41 and I don't even know where to begin to look for her. God knows I don't want to pick the wrong road AGAIN. I know most people don't understand why I can't let this go. I FEEL her in my heart, like she is my daughter. I believe GOD put it there. I believe with all my heart, even now, this IS suppose to happen. May be that is why God won't let me rest. This is what it feels like- Your child is missing and you have to find her, but you can't. No matter how hard you try and pray, she is out there lost. You can't rest because you don't want her to have to spend one more day than she has to lost and afraid. You can't rest until she is home with her family, where she belongs. WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU????? Please pray for me, for guidance, for God to show me the way to fill this calling, however that may be. I need my heart to be at peace.
2 comments:
My heart hurts for you after reading these posts. I don't know what to say. I do know having your Abby in heart for so long has got to be so heartwrenching to make that decision. You cannot focus on the whatifs, only the what nows. I will pray that God will show you where your sweet Abby is. Don't give up on her and know where ever she is she will be waiting for you. None of us knew where the road would lead us to today, all of us thought that we were in a safe place. Often God takes our plans and shows they are not His plans. My plan was to have Kaylee home be now, my plan was to sail through this thing with less anxiety than I have experienced. My plan was to have my plan. God's plan was for me to wait, wait for the most perfect little baby girl. I will pray for you and I thank you for praying for us. It is true, I have no idea how many people want to see Kaylee come home. That was proven at church yesterday. Thank you for your sweet comment. I will be praying that God brings peace to your heart.
We are also a CHI Vietnam family. We are #86 on the waiting list and have sent our dossier in early April. But we have made our decision on what to do, but I hasve not yet announced it on our blog. I will be 40 in November and this will be the most difficult birthday, I was hoping to be a mom by then or at least have a referral and now that is not even a possibility, even if miraculously everything works out and Vietnam and the U.S. decide to work together with the way referrals have been coming in, it would probably be another year or so at the soonest. My home e-mail is an 80s lady 6886 at sbcglobal dot net and work kahelg at safeco dot com. (Remove the spaces and replace the words with the at sign and the period.)
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