Decisions

Well, I talked to our adoption SW last week asked about are options. We are #121 so it doesn't look good for making the September 1st deadline. We can withdraw from the program and get 1/2 our money back, if we wait and it closes and then quit we get nothing back. We can sit on the waiting list while it is closed and probably be pretty far along when it reopens considering most people switch programs when something like this happens. There is also the option of checking on the waiting children /special need children in other adoption agencies. That too involves risk . I have heard of people accepting a waiting child ,going to pick them up and the child not being available but another child with more severe disablilities is offered. we have already invested about $6000 dollars into this adoption. Chuck and I really haven't had a heart to heart about this yet. I think he feels if he ignores it,it will take care of it self but we definitely have some heart felt decisions to make. Part of me feels like I am tired and worn out from the hoping,anxiety,uncertainty roller coaster we have been on for the past 5 years- many times feeling like someone has ripped my heart out.
Then on the other side, I FEEL her in my heart, this is suppose to happen. We have had so many little "signs" happen to us along the way that gave us hope. Then I go back to, if it's suppose to happen ,why do we keep running into brick walls???
I have really in these past weeks tried to focus on the blessings already in my life.
I have MANY dear 6 year old children at my job, that greet me with smiles and hugs. They are so full of love and aren't afraid to give it out. I have two good teenage boys(is that an oxymoron-LOL) Although this isn't my favorite stage of motherhood, I have had the blessing of being a mommy. Many of the blogs I read the couples have infertility problems and have NEVER gotten to be a mommy/daddy. My infertility is self imposed for which I will forever regret. Sometimes i think this my punishment for not appreciating what I was given. Anyway,focus on what you have is my game plan these next weeks. Chuck and I will be making our decision this week, please pray for God to guide us to do his will and to give us strength for whatever road we follow